I just want this to all go away.
have to put this stupid fucking act on every day. pretend i’m ok, i’m cool. When in reality i’m not. I wish I could just say everything I want too without being judged. Even with my therapist there are some things that will forever be in my head until i’m on my death bed.
let tomorrow be a better day. let me not feel so alone.
about my relationship with my father. this is going to be long and my grammar and punctuation at times may be bad because I don’t feel like fixing it.
So my father left me when I was in kindergarden. so I was about 5/6 at the time which you can imagine was absolutely awful. honestly, he was a shitty father. always canceled plans on me, always disappointing/letting me down, not paying attention to me. I remember one story in particular where I was waiting at the train station wondering where he was, the train came for him to pick me up, was not on it. My mom called him (I was 8 at the time) to see where he was, he said he was coming. Never showed. Basically from 5-16 he was not a good supportive father to me. His wife (my step mom) is so controling and was always trying to put her beleifs into me when I wanted none of it because my mom should be doing that. ANYWAY so on top of that shit my dad was late (still to this day) of paying child care and now college money like tuition and books and it puts a burden/stress on my mom.
my soph year of high school it got better, He started to make an effort and commitment which I saw (he went to my bball games, islander games, etc). even today in college I feel like though its an adult relationship he is much more reachable and talkable. Like when I was a kid, he would NEVER answer his phone when i called so i barely talked to him on the phone which hurt alot.
but moving on, I have 3 half brothers from my dad. before he married my mom he married someone else and had 3 boys (gary,dan,eriq). At this point in life, he cut off all contact with them. I don’t understand the whole story but a big fight occurred b/w them and now its done. I’m just afraid that one day my dad will just do that like he did of his other kids. It’s a frightening thought.
to top everything off, he is having ANOTHER child. What makes me uncomfortable is because he is 58 and the fact that I am going to see my father be a parent to another child is a weird concept for me to handle. Like my therapist asked me, would it be weird if your mom adopted a child or had one and it wouldn’t honestly, I would embrace it. My mom has been there for me when I couldn’t speak, she’s with me today and I will be with her till the day she dies. I do not want any part of this child’s life. end of story. I’m afraid of for this kid quite frankly, i don’t want my father deserting it like he deserted me and my 3 half brothers.
I guess the moral of this story is, when I lose someone, either physically or metamorphic-ally, its horrible because it makes me think of my father.
i’m so bored/tired of drinking. well at least at Hofstra anyway cause I feel that’s ALL WE DO. I mean at home I would love to drink with friends just cause it’s not like we do this every single weekend. It’s only halfway through the semester and I’m so over partying/drinking every single weekend. Hopefully I can get the guys to go out and do something else.
sigh
- Photograph:have a shirtless guy and shirtless girl(in her bra) with both of them facing each other, on side of face thats facing camera write on their face, arm, body different sterotypes for each(example: for girl:slut,whore,cunt,bitch. For guy: douchebag, jerk, fag) have the two people lock onto each other by the forearm and write on there arms in big lettering “I am, whatever you say I am” Suppose to symbolize how society defines people.
- Photograph: Take a side view and low to ground of a homeless man (medium shot) and two men walking past in suites. Suppose to symbolize the inequality in this country.
- Video: have me filming from a first person perspective (camera angel like cloverfield, project X) and have me being strait and kiss a girl in public then people give me dirty looks and I eventually am segregated from everyone because being gay is the norm. Suppose Symbolize how people do not think about others and how if you were put in situation, you would think differently about it.
- Video: Music Video for DJ Endless
- Video: one minute video of closeup on eyes slowly goes to whole end, no music and have voice over of that person talk about struggles overcame.
This summer is going to be fun.
I went with 4 of my closest friends to jones beach and I just decided to bring my camera and take some pictures. I honestly loved it. for 2 and a half hours, made me forget about the problems of today and just focus on being with friends and taking photos to make them look bad ass. I need more days like this
My mother is now 51. She is getting older and she is reaching the age (if not already) when it’s common when someone passes away. I am quite frankly scared to death of this thought. My mother is literally the most important person in my life and helps me with every day needs. She does everything humanly possible for me and without her, I will no doubt struggle. I love her so much and I am so afraid to lose someone so precious to me.
- Photograph: have a shirtless guy and shirtless girl(in her bra) with both of them facing each other, on side of face thats facing camera write on their face, arm, body different sterotypes for each(example: for girl:slut,whore,cunt,bitch. For guy: douchebag, jerk, fag) have the two people lock onto each other by the forearm and write on there arms in big lettering “I am, whatever you say I am” Suppose to symbolize how society defines people.
- Photograph: Take a side view and low to ground of a homeless man (medium shot) and two men walking past in suites. Suppose to symbolize the inequality in this country.
- Video: have me filming from a first person perspective (camera angel like cloverfield, project X) and have me being strait and kiss a girl in public then people give me dirty looks and I eventually am segregated from everyone because being gay is the norm. Suppose Symbolize how people do not think about others and how if you were put in situation, you would think differently about it.
This summer is going to be fun.
I’m thinking of making this almost like my journal? nah? yay?
…this memory is horrible and needs to go away
